I still remember, when you were just a baby; the passion and wonder you had about how everything functioned, how things worked, you wanted to play dress up and paint, I sometimes was too tired from the day and work; I managed somehow to play at times, you were just a child in the middle of a grown up world.
I remember your first day at day care; you really didn’t want to stay, you cried… Hmmm not sure who cried the most; if it was you or me, but as the time went by, you loved it because you made friends quickly, you could make friends wherever you go, You had that charisma and sparkle to attract them.
My little girl started to grow up, things got rough and then; it was you and me facing the world alone; I couldn’t spend as much time with you and it was breaking my heart. Juggling between work, the house and adulthood problems; I neglected our special time; reading time, to this day I still regret that. I regret not spending the time you desperately needed and wanted, I was always rushing because “there was not enough time”. I made mundane things a priority and was neglecting what was more important: YOU. I remember thinking, there is always tomorrow and you would still be little.
Life happened and some people came into our lives, you were not the only child anymore. I kept on neglecting your yearning for attention, those moment when you used to tell me: “Mommy please stay 5 more minutes”, but because of my grown up self and tired self, I would say no. Do you know how much I miss those times now? I miss the little girl that used to play dress up , put on a show and dance for me and whomever was near, I miss the drive you had to do things, I miss movie time, I miss our time; I miss my sweet little girl the most.
I know it was my fault as I let my pain reflect on you, I let my tiredness and long generations of conditioning reflect on you; I didn’t give you the right time when you needed it the most. I didn’t realize time is the most precious thing in the world and time never comes back.
I reflect back now and when I suggest to do things together, you find it annoying at times as you didn’t have the solid base and you had a no for an answer in my busy inner world. I am sorry, I let my broken inner child get between us, I didn’t know how to release it so it could play with yours. Please forgive me, I wish for you in the future to be a great mom and cut any cord of toxic conditioning for now I have healed, I would like for you to do the same.
Time is very precious and we never get it back, my wish to you is; to enjoy every moment, appreciate nature, appreciate your surroundings, your family, your friends, honor your mind and body. Please find that little girl you used to be to take her out to play, we need more in this grown up world, don’t rush, everything has its own time. One day you will wish to have at least 5 more minutes of that time.
I love you so very much.
Love, mommy’s inner child.