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From a very early age, I knew I was different from everyone; it was hard for me to fit in in a world where there was so much hate, pain and injustices. I was born into a large, loving family where I am the youngest child; yet it made it difficult as everyone was a “grown up”. Even though they tried their best to make me feel happy, I was extremely sensitive to everyone’s feelings and energy and that made me the weird child of all.
As the years went by my Inner child sense was dying little by little, my abilities to see the world brighter and happier was being suppressed by the adults, my self esteem was compromised by some family members and friends, I stopped loving myself and I entered into the pleasing mode routine that the world has been imprinted from generations on all of us.
I have always been called to help others; therefore I studied Psychology; during one of the classes it made me realize that I was sexually molested when I was 7 years old, it was a vague and shocking realization, but kept it to myself. My life was going normal until the age of 18 when a very serious incident occurred: I was kidnapped and raped, I ended up in a hospital for 15 days with severe PTSD syndrome; I found myself with depression, very low self esteem, blaming myself for what just had happened and suppressing all my emotions. Because of that incident, it forced me to leave everything behind as my security and safety was compromised. I landed in a different country pretty much alone with just one sister here, learn a different language, different culture, and had to start all over again, doing jobs I never thought of doing, but little by little worked my way up.
I met my then husband, got pregnant, got married. We went through rough patches as we both were working towards being legal in this country, while in the process, he got detained to be deported back to his country leaving me with my 2 year old daughter and lots of bills to pay, I was between working 3 jobs, trying to keep up with a 2 year old and the payments, visiting him on detention center and seeing my daughter cry each and every time we had to leave him. He got deported and the struggle with lawyers and the cost to bring him back was brutal. I was dead inside; when he finally was able to enter this country and we both were legal things started going a little bit better, but as I said before, I was dead inside, I didn’t love myself, I was a walking example of a “functional depression”, to the point after all the struggles I sabotaged the relationship. I had no trust in men, nor in me and I ended the relationship.
Right after I ended the relationship, in the need to fulfill a hole in my heart that was there for years, I met this “Charming and Wonderful man”, I thought he was the one, made me believe in him. I was infatuated by the idea of a perfect man thinking it would be a different story; but boy, I was wrong he was as what we call a “walking narcissist”. At the beginning he made it seem perfect and I didn’t allow myself to see the signs. Throughout the years I felt that he was taking advantage of me financially. I didn’t love myself enough or maybe, not at all as I allowed that kind of behavior in my life; to the point of him making me have an abortion, as he didn’t want to have another kid and I was scared that I might find myself with 2 children and alone. That day another part of myself died and I lost all respect for him.
I am a faithful believer that our sickness are related and connected with our emotions. After all that had happened, I found myself very sick: I had Bells Palsy and then within months I was diagnosed with stage 2 cancer in my uterus. I was devastated, you would think the person that you have shared 7+ years with, would have been supportive just to find myself disappointed once again. My daughter started to see and feel all the tension and toxic environment as he started putting me down in front of her and also was putting her down. I took every little bit of energy and faith I had and moved out; I refuse to let my daughter believe that kind of behavior was ok. In the midst of all I also lost my job of 6 years; Dealing with cancer, a break up and with no job, I literally was at my lowest point and that’s when everything hit me.
It took me all those years to realize that the only person I needed attention was from me and not expect someone to fulfill the hole I was feeling, that it was in my power to make everything better and rise from all the struggles I was facing. I believe every struggle that we have shows up in a form of lesson and the people that were involved were our greatest teachers. I had to touch rock bottom to see my worth; I feel that all those hard times where just a push me in the right direction. Since then I starting meditating, practicing self care and self love which led me to find great mentors who I follow and I am forever grateful for.
This has been a great journey where I decided to regain my joy, find my purpose and love myself all over again as when I was a child, breaking through all the years and lies of conditioning, I am now cancer free, I married the man of my dreams, I am living a life that once I dreamt of and I am currently working towards my dreams.
Every day we can grow and learn.
Each person has a different struggle but everything is possible if we start loving ourselves and if we change our actions and thinking.
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton