Today, I chose to finally release a pain that has haunted me for years. The picture captures part of my story. For many, many years I have silenced my voice because of being afraid that my story will turn some backs on me, or that it will have reached the person who contributed to it, but the truth is, this is my story too and if the person that was in, didn’t want the story to be shared they should have behaved better.
I felt the need to tell my true story to bring awareness in moments like this when we are in lockdown, there is a lot of domestic violence and the reason why I am sharing this story is that there are many women out there, who are encountering low-self steam or PTSD because they are or have been in a Toxic relationship, as they have been abused physically or mentally and have been victims of a narcissistic, sociopath partner and now they can be encountering low self steam or PTSD due to the abuse.
I am the living story that there is hope, each person has the power and has the key to gain control of their lives back. Once you take the step to freedom and recovering who you truly are, there is nothing stopping you. They will try to change you and the way you are so you can lose your essence and who you are, but no one can make you feel guilty of anything, no one can make you responsible for their happiness, they are responsible for that, you are your own hero, cheerleader, your own happiness. No one will complete you, it is your job to be complete, so whoever comes along adds to your wholeness. We can reach out for help, we think we might be alone but our family and friends are there to always have your back. Don’t ever be afraid to reach out.
I have never talked about this in-depth as it is something that I have always been ashamed of, but sometimes in order for us to heal we need to tell the truth of our story, and I am ready to release this part of my story for healing, so here we go.
April has been a little hard for me since 9 years ago, the day I found out I was pregnant with my second child. I was already in a 4 year “loving relationship”. We were living together raising each other’s kids together, having fun, I thought there is nothing to worry about, we “love” each other. I remembered clearly the day I found out, April 20 of 2011, I was in my office and the curiosity wouldn’t leave me alone because my period was late for a little over a month, I went to get a pregnancy test, went back to work and went to the bathroom to find out that it was positive! I was nervous but excited at the same time, I called my then-boyfriend, to tell him the news, he asked what do you want to do? I said I would like to have the baby, he was in shock and said we needed to talk. I felt sad and confused because of the way he reacted, but I still had a little hope, a series of not very pleasant events happened during one week span, the results was gaslighting and manipulation, little that I knew that, what was waiting for me ahead, it was going to be a long time of recovery and healing.
On April 24, 2011, We were at home, I was doing some chores, but was cramping and I started spotting, as my body and mind have been submitted under a lot of stress, my heart was being broken for the number of things he said to me, I was trying to be strong for my daughter’s sake and the baby’s, I said to him he needed to take me to the hospital because I thought I was going to lose the baby, we rushed to drop kids off to his mom’s house and then we went to the hospital, when we were there, he made a complete change, it was unbelievable, he was being “understanding” and all of the sudden he was sorry for the way he reacted, as he was “scared” (a 40+ man) and that he loved me so much; those 3 hours of wait, were the “best” hours I have had in the whole week and I truly thought he was sorry and that everything was going to be ok, we were even picking names for the baby and talking about it. Well, that was great acting on his end I truly believed the whole thing, but the reality was he truly thought I was losing the baby so if that was happening that would have solved his problem, therefore he was acting nice. The Doctor finally saw us, took us to an ultrasound room so she could show us the baby, I was excited to see the baby and that was the very first and last time I could hear his/her little heart. The Dr said I was 8 weeks pregnant and told us when the due date was going to be, December 16th, 2011, his face started changing colors and he said, so there is no risk of miscarriage? And the Dr. replied no, the baby is strong and holding into place, showing us the little peanut on the monitor and congratulating us. His face turned white pale and as soon as she walked out of the room he changed back into his old behavior.
We left the hospital, the only thing he said was, we are going to get the kids from my mom’s house and we have to talk. We got to his mom’s house and he told her what was happening, the mom sat me down and said to me “you know that’s not the way to trap a man” and you can’t afford this child, I was in complete shocked, I stood up, grabbed my daughter and told him that we needed to leave. We got home and after putting the kids was the worst night ever for me, that was the night that I handed my power to him and let him decided for us what was “best”, not to have the child and to have an abortion, or else as he said I was going to be a single mother of two and he was not going to deal with the baby, because the truth was he only had one son and that was the end of the story.
I was in shocked, I was naive, I was scared, I was “in love” in love with someone who didn’t love me as he preached, and even though so many people said, it was the best decision for me; In reality, it truly has been one of the most painful, selfish experience I have ever encountered in my life. Not only, I gave my power to someone who never loved me, but I took my own kid’s life away, it was a selfish choice for trying to stay with a man who didn’t care about anyone but him. Even though I was forced to do it, it was my fault for choosing him over me or over my child and that has haunted me until this day.
Money was really tight and he was in between jobs, or unemployed, I was trying to work as much as I could to pay for things, so he borrowed $500 from his mom so we could go to the women clinic and take care of “the problem”.
April 25th was the last time I saw the baby, I had to get checked and all kinds of things; I remember sitting there with him, looking around and seeing couples doing the same, or some others where there for baby ultrasound, I was numbed, I didn’t know what to do, my stomach was in a knot, I wanted to run away, he was holding my hand and said everything will be ok, I love you, I looked at him and I said, how could you do this to me; but in reality and now I know it was me doing it to me, it was my choice. We always have a choice in life and depends on what we choose we will live with the consequences and mark our lives.
On April 27, 2011, we went to the clinic for the pills that I would have to take to interrupt the pregnancy, my heart was beating so fast, I thought I was going to faint but in my head, the only thing I could think was if I don’t do this I would be alone with 2 small children. He was so “loving” and supporting he even took me to dinner the night I had to take the first pill which he made me take it there at dinner; that night cramps started to happen. The next day April 28th, 2011 was the last day, I had to take another pill to finish it, it was the worst pain in my life, I was feeling as if life itself was coming out of me, and it was, my little peanut was living my body in pieces and lifeless, it was like giving birth again, but the moral pain was worst than the physical pain. That day I lost a baby, and with it, I lost all the respect and love for my then-boyfriend. While in recovery he kept on reinforcing me that, we should forget about it because that never happened.
After that month, it took me 4 more years to open my eyes and to leave him, because things got worst as the gaslighting, lies, and abuse started to be seen by my daughter, which affected her so much that even though she loved him at first, she was begging me to leave him. From that moment on I realized that it was time to gain my power back so my daughter didn’t have to witness that kind of abuse and think that the behavior was ok.
It has taken me another 5 more years to finally heal that part of me and little by little I have gained my power back. I have been mourning the baby for so long, but now I can set him free and my soul free.
I had a choice to make then and unfortunately, it was not so good but I have a choice now to either release it and heal it or keep reliving it, so I am choosing to heal it and closing that chapter of my life, without forgetting in my heart that I will always have that second child, wherever he might be.
At the end of each pain, there is always a life lesson that could break us, shape us, or build us into the person we are. For me, it made me stronger, and build me in the woman I am today. This is one of many life lessons I have encountered in my 38 years of life and, even though it was painful then, I am releasing it with gratitude for the lessons learned, and I choose to forgive myself and forgive him and apologize to my child for making a choice on his behalf.